


leave me dreaming

by desiderate



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, apparently i can't write fluff, idk what else to tag this with, this was supposed to be fluff oops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-09-22 03:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9581765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desiderate/pseuds/desiderate
Summary: Myungjun learns the true meaning behind love hurts.Or, Myungjun loves Jinwoo, and because of that, the flowers growing in his chest might just kill him.





	1. i'm aching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TURNED OUT SO MUCH LONGER THAN I PLANNED UGH. i wanted this to be a one shot but that's just not happening lol. 
> 
> this was supposed to be a short, myungjin fluff story. oops. looks like I just can’t stay away from angst… I wrote this to get myself in the writing mood, because I have two longer myungjun centered fics (possibly myungjun/dongmin?) I want to write but I really haven’t written fanfiction in forever and needed to get back into the rhythm. 
> 
> i’m also super worried about characterization because even though i love astro so so much i feel like i struggle with characterizing them, especially myungjun; i find it difficult to write funny characters since i myself am not really funny… so sorry if they’re ooc…
> 
> title and chapter names taken from tao’s hello hello because i’m also exo trash and his album rocks.
> 
> just edited by myself, so i'm sorry if there are any mistakes.
> 
> if you're unfamiliar with the hanahaki trope, a quick google search will help ^_^
> 
> hope you enjoy~

Myungjun knew something was wrong the day his stomach started twisting. His stomach never hurt in any way -- disregarding, of course, hunger pains and the growls reminiscent of ASTRO’s strict diet. It never hurt in _this_ way -- pains that made him want to curl in on himself, nausea creeping up his throat and making him close his eyes in pain, strong pangs that made him press his forehead to the cold glass of the practice room mirror in the hope of relieving the overwhelming sensations for just a moment. 

Logically, Myungjun knew what was happening -- he was getting sick. But it was easier to just ignore the logical answer, because he was an idol -- more specifically, an idol in the midst of preparing for a comeback, and he _couldn’t_ be sick. He couldn't disappoint his team or his managers like that -- not when he was just sick with a cough a few weeks ago, and not when no one else seemed to cause as much trouble or get sick as much as him. 

So when during practice Sanha asked, “Hyung, why do you have such a weird look on your face? Are you in pain?” Myungjun endearingly spat back at the maknae, “Yah! Yoon Sanha, this is my regular face! Are you trying to say I look ugly?” Sanha stuck his tongue out at Myungjun, but he didn’t mention a word after that; though Myungjun did catch the younger stealing glances at him when he thought Myungjun wasn’t looking.

He was a little guilty -- Sanha really was just trying to be kind -- but it was better than having to admit that the crawling sensation in his stomach just wasn’t getting any better. In fact, is was getting harder and harder to ignore it -- harder to dance without folding in on himself and making it seem like it was just him being his clumsy self, and harder to pretend like he actually had an appetite for dinner (now _that_ would have definitely alerted the other members that something was wrong). And mostly, he absolutely hated it because it overpowered the other sensation that he had been getting in his stomach, the one that he liked so much better. 

Meaning, of course, the _fluttering._ The feeling that made butterflies invade his stomach and nerves overwhelm him. The fluttering that only happened when Jinwoo smiled at him, or when Jinwoo laughed, or when Jinwoo put his arms around Myungjun’s smaller shoulders, and made Myungjun feel just a little bit loved. 

Even though it was just wishful thinking -- Jinwoo loving him, that is. The younger boy was affectionate towards Myungjun, of course, but he was like that with everyone in the group. Jinwoo had a tendency to want to look after people, even if he didn’t always show it in the warmest ways -- a little tough love, the ASTRO boys had taken to calling it. It was what made him a good leader -- the fact that he enjoyed taking care of the others and making sure everything went well. 

And honestly, Myungjun thought that’s how Jinwoo saw him. A little immature, a little unloved -- and a lot suited for the endless heaps of care Jinwoo was willing to give.

And that was fine. They could never really _be_ something anyways, not with their lives in the spotlight and the backlash a relationship between two _male_ idols would cause, so it was better that Myungjun just kept his small crush to himself. It would be a lot less painful than knowing Jinwoo liked him back and not being able to do anything about it.

That is, until is wasn’t just a “small crush.” 

That’s when everything went wrong. Because Myungjun started to _love_ the amazingly beautiful, amazingly kind Jinwoo. And his stomach started to hurt. 

And then he started coughing up flower petals.

☆☆☆

Practice had lasted later that night, and it hadn’t settled well with Myungjun’s stomach. They stayed longer the more time it took Myungjun to perfect the dance moves, but the longer they stayed, the worse he got. He became sloppy at some points, too tense at others, and overall wound up forgetting the steps more times than ever before. It just became too hard to focus when the feeling of wanting to throw up assaulted him randomly and quite frequently, and when a horrid, piercing feeling kept gripping his insides every few minutes.

He could tell Minhyuk was getting frustrated -- the choreo wasn’t too hard, and he had the moves down earlier in the day -- and he was keeping the whole group behind, as their manager watched his digression with a disapproving eye. It culminated in what Myungjun really should have expected -- a harsh scolding from the manager.

”Myungjun-ah, you’re costing us precious time here. You’re only getting worse and worse. You can’t just stand there and sing, no matter how good you think your voice is. Now stop being lazy and put some effort into it, will you. All of us just want to sleep, and your inability to dance is just holding us up,” his manager bit out, making Myungjun flinch slightly, and lower his head in a bow.

Myungjun knew logically those words were just fueled by his manager’s frustration and fatigue, but they still stung. He had been trying his hardest all day, and he would never be as pompous as to think he didn’t have to work as hard at dancing as the rest of them just because he was the main vocal. He so badly wanted to spit back a response, but he was mature enough to know that now was not the time to talk back.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Myungjun looked up to see Jinwoo standing beside him, looking at their manager while keeping a steady hold on Myungjun. He understood the look on Jinwoo’s face right away -- the younger was upset at their manager’s callous words as well, but he too knew he couldn’t just speak capriciously. As leader, it was his job to keep peace between the group and the staff, and the best way to do that was being respectful.

”I’m sure all of us are tired and frustrated, Myungjun-hyung included. I don’t think forcing him to repeat the dance while he’s already so exhausted will make him perform any better. He was doing just fine earlier, anyway; let’s just call it a night, and we’ll work twice as hard tomorrow. Myungjun won’t let you down, I promise,” Jinwoo’s warm voice washed over Myungjun, and the older let his eyes flutter shut at the comforting tone.

That was why Jinwoo was such an amazing leader, always looking out for his team members while keeping the interests of everyone in mind. And that was also why Myungjun was falling hard for the boy, the way he kept his hand warmly on Myungjun’s shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze in the middle of his speech, never raising his voice but a fierce protectiveness of Myungjun still evident in his words. Jinwoo cared so much about Myungjun, and it made Myungjun’s heart flutter and his cheeks flush.

Looking down to avoid the others noticing his reddened face, Myungjun heard his manager sigh and reluctantly agree to Jinwoo’s words. As the other members started to pack up and file out with relief evident in their sighs, Jinwoo finally turned to Myungjun, waiting for the other boy to look back up at him. Slowly, Myungjun lifted his eyes, and had to try hard not to lower them on instinct as soon as he met the passionate and warm gaze of Jinwoo.

”Yah, Myungjun-hyung, what’s wrong? Are you feeling ill? If you are, you shouldn’t hide that sort of thing! Don’t be stupid, hyung.” Jinwoo furrowed his eyebrows, trying his hardest to put on a scolding tone, and Myungjun quickly went to reassure him.

“It’s really okay, Jinwoo-ah. I deserved that scolding, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…” Myungjun’s voice trailed off at the end, and he couldn’t look Jinwoo in the eye by the time he had finished speaking. He had a feeling Jinwoo knew he was lying.

Suddenly, Jinwoo raised his hand to Myungjun’s forehead, and the latter almost stepped back at the surprise gesture. “You’re feeling a bit warm, hyung… Ah, you’re such a liar! Next time, tell us if you’re feeling under the weather. You’re not gonna get any better if you push yourself so hard in practice. Hey, let’s get back quickly so you can rest, okay? You may feel better after a good night’s sleep.” Jinwoo smiled brightly at this, his eyes folding into smiles, and Myungjun felt a smile crawl up his own face.

”Sure, Jinwoo-ah! But does that mean that you’ll carry your sick hyung’s bags?” Myungjun twisted his body so that he was looking up at Jinwoo, and batted his eyelashes in an over-the-top manner, pursing his lips in his infamous duck lip pose. It earned him a laugh and a light shove from the younger, and Myungjun almost forgot the churning of his stomach in that moment.

Perhaps it was then that Myungjun first admitted to himself, _I really, really love Park Jinwoo._

☆☆☆

Despite Jinwoo’s advice, Myungjun just couldn’t fall asleep. He kept tossing and turning in his bunk, and no matter how many times he tried to count sheep or sing calming songs in his head, a constant stabbing pain in his stomach kept him from ever getting comfortable enough to sleep. Afraid his constant moving around would wake someone up, Myungjun quietly made his way out of the bedroom, thinking watching some TV might take his mind off the pain and lull him to sleep.

He never made it as far as the living area. Walking down the hallway, the stabbing pain suddenly increased sharply. It was the most intense pain he had felt with this sickness, and it wouldn’t stop. Feeling something making its way up his throat, Myungjun rushed towards the bathroom, remembering only briefly that he shouldn’t slam the door in order to try to avoid waking the other members up.

Sliding to the floor in order to bring his face close to the toilet bowl as quickly as possible, Myungjun ignored the rough slam of the cold tile on his knees and instead focused on trying to cough out whatever seemed to be stuck in his throat. It wouldn’t dislodge at first, and Myungjun was becoming less concerned with trying to keep his coughs as silent as possible the more the object in his throat seemed to be suffocating him.

Luckily, before he started hacking loudly, the object disappeared from his throat, fluttering down and settling in the toilet water. Glancing down, Myungjun felt his eyes widen and his heart stutter at the sight of a flower floating in the toilet bowl. Panting from the effort it took to dislodge the flower, Myungjun felt a chill overtake his body.

 _A flower._ Myungjun had coughed up a _flower._ A large sized violet, to be more precise, but that didn’t really matter to the young man at that moment. What mattered was the subconscious shaking of his hands and the pounding of his heart as his mind finally came to the realization that was evoked by the flower floating innocently in the toilet water.

He wasn’t sick. Well, at least not in the way he had thought he was. It wasn’t some virus, bug, or short-lived infliction that had been making his stomach ache terribly for days.

He was a victim of Hanahaki disease. The disease of unrequited love. Flowers were growing in his body, growing in his organs -- in his stomach, in his lungs, and God knows where else.

Flowers were growing in his body because he loved someone, but they didn’t love him. Because he loved Jinwoo, but Jinwoo didn’t love him.

Tears swelled in his eyes, threatening to pour down his cheeks, but Myungjun tried to blink them away furiously. It didn’t work, of course. Not a moment later, he tasted salty water fall against his lip, and he let his head fall to his chest in defeat. Silent sobs wracked his body, and the boy bit his lip hard to keep them silent. His hands rose to clutch at his chest -- at the pain that resonated there not because of the flowers growing, but because of the utter despair that gripped his heart at the reality of his situation.

Myungjun thought nothing of the sharp stabbing pain that had plagued him not minutes ago. No, he didn’t think any physical pain could compare to _this._

To the realization that he loved Jinwoo so, so much. And Jinwoo… Jinwoo didn’t love him back.

And that was possibly going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had wanted this to be a one shot but looks like i'll have one or two more chapters for this. 
> 
> is myungjun in for more hurt? will he tell the group? will the flowers slowly kill him? will jinwoo learn to love myungjun back?
> 
> only i know (;
> 
> subscribe so you can find out!
> 
> hope you enjoyed it so far~
> 
> please comment if you liked it ♡


	2. you can't see what i see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ASTRO discovers Myungjun is sick; Myungjun needs to tell someone about what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm kind of disappointed in this chapter but i feel like i won't be happy unless i add a lot more, and i don't want to make it too long. i just feel like there isn't a lot happening in it, but things will pick up.
> 
> like before, only i proof-read this, so any mistakes are my own (:

Myungjun didn’t recall most of the rest of that night. He remembered trying to stand up, but his legs failing him; trying to stop his tears, and only succeeding when a numb feeling set into his body.

He didn’t cough up a whole flower again, but from time to time he would hack up a petal or two, all floating innocently, mockingly into the toilet bowl. He tried to get at least a little bit of sleep, even if it was on the hard floor of the bathroom, but the disease wouldn’t let him rest. His eyes kept fluttering closed, begging for relief, only to be forced back open as his throat once again turned to sandpaper and a petal once again crept its way up his throat.

There was absolutely no way he would be able to dance the next day, let alone find the energy to explain this mess to his group mates.

Those thoughts had floated around his head for a bit -- what he would tell the rest of them, but he was too tired to focus that much. They didn’t even know he was _gay,_ how would they react to the news that he was in love with one of them?

Still, one thought persisted, one thought remained clear: he was not an idiot, and even if he didn’t tell the whole team, he would be stupid if he didn’t ask for help from at least one of the members.

This realization came around four in the morning, his throat dry without the relief of water, and absolutely sore from coughing so much. He felt another petal coming, but this time his throat wasn’t producing enough lubricant to help it up. It got lodged in his throat, and he started to have trouble breathing around it. His heart seized with worry, and he no longer cared about the noise he was making -- he started to make whatever type of retching actions that were necessary, he just needed to _breathe._

It came out eventually, but the sight wasn’t pretty. The petal was bloodied, and the toilet water slowly turned a light red in color. Swallowing on instinct, Myungjun tasted the iron of blood, and that’s when he really got scared.

He was bleeding, and he could possibly damage his throat. It could possibly affect his singing. In a sole moment of clarity, Myungjun decided that when morning came, he would have to at least tell one of the members. If he didn’t, he would be dealing with this all on his own -- and look where that left him now. As much as he dreaded telling someone -- as much as he desired to keep his feelings to himself, to struggle with this without burdening another member, Myungjun knew that if he did that, he was only putting himself in more danger. And he wasn’t that stupid.

He wasn’t stupid, he was weak. He could admit it, he was _weak,_ and he needed help.

☆☆☆

Myungjun ended up proving to be a morning call to the members that morning, and not at all in a pleasant way. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, the petals finally having stopped for a bit. Unfortunately, Hanahaki Disease was relentless, and allowed no reprieve for its victim. The flowers growing in his organs were still poking around, occasionally bringing back the sharp stabbing pains in Myungjun’s stomach and chest, but it culminated in a particularly bad ache that made nausea arise in Myungjun that wouldn’t fade.

Instead of coughing up a petal, Myungjun was just plainly _sick_ this time around -- bile filling the toilet bowl, the boy groaning at the smell and his inability to even get up to rinse his mouth out.

It also made a lot more noise than any of his previous actions, and seemed to wake up Dongmin, or at least rouse him to get up, since Myungjun knew the boy was an early bird who always arose naturally quite close to dawn.

The door to the bathroom was opened quickly, Dongmin appearing in a white t-shirt and plaid sleep pants, his face still white from the overnight mask he always applied. His eyes scanned the room, and quickly fell upon Myungjun’s figure, slumped against the wall and gazing back tiredly at Dongmin. Myungjun’s black circles stood out even more on his skin, which had become sickly pale with the events of the night.

“Hyung!” Dongmin exclaimed, and his cry of distress seemed to alert the rest of the dorm that something was wrong. Myungjun was vaguely aware of Dongmin coming closer, crouching down, and flushing the toilet. The younger’s hand pressed against his forehead briefly, and brushed back his hair that was damp with sweat. Myungjun leaned into the touch, glad his dongsaeng was so caring. Another presence joined Dongmin moments later, and Myungjun only noticed it was Jinwoo when his voice met Myungjun’s ears.

“Dongmin, go get some water for him to drink. Binnie, could you wet a washcloth for me, and have Minhyuk and Sanha go call management and tell them that Myungjun-hyung is sick.” Dongmin’s warm presence left Myungjun, only to be replaced by a warmer embrace, one that Myungjun’s body instinctively snuggled closer to. Strong arms wrapped around him, and Myungjun let his head fall forward onto a sturdy shoulder.

He felt his stomach stir -- perhaps the flowers somehow recognizing the person he loved, but finally, _finally,_ a stronger feeling beat out the queasiness. He felt safe in Jinwoo’s arms, and his heart swelled as the older wiped a wet cloth over his sweaty forehead, and slowly helped Myungjun tilt a cup of water back to help him rinse out his mouth.

“Myungjun-hyung,” the sweet voice of Moonbin spoke, “you’re so sick… if it was this bad, why didn’t you just say something? How long have you been up?” His voice came from somewhere behind Jinwoo -- Myungjun couldn’t see, he had his eyes closed. He grumbled incoherently in reply, too exhausted to answer.

“I think hyung’s been up all night… I went to get some water around two, and noticed he wasn’t in bed. I saw the bathroom door closed and just assumed it was him… I should have checked on him, but I was too lazy since I just wanted to get back to bed… I’m sorry hyung,” Sanha guiltily said, earning himself a pat of reassurance from Minhyuk.

“Hyung must be so tired!” Moonbin exclaimed, his dulcet tone saturated with sadness. “Staying up all night, sick, with no one to take care of him… It must have been why he wasn’t doing too well in practice yesterday…” Moonbin trailed off, only for Minhyuk to pick up on his train of thought.

“And I was getting so frustrated with Hyung, while he was dealing with being sick… I’m so sorry hyung,” Minhyuk bit out, his words fading in and out of Myungjun’s ears. His body was finally allowing itself to fall into slumber. He managed to mumble an “it’s okay” for Minhyuk, but after that, anything the rest of his group members spoke completely escaped his ears.

He felt a tall, muscular body -- Moonbin, most likely -- lift him onto his back, and warm hands that he recognized undeniably as Jinwoo’s helping Myungjun get situated comfortably on the younger’s back. His body swayed back and forth with the force of motion, until an abrupt stop ended with his body being lowered slowly, carefully, onto soft cushion.

Curling up his body to the relief that was the plush surface, Myungjun subconsciously noted that he had been placed on the couch in their living room. Soon, a soft, heavy blanket was swaddling his body -- the one everyone always fought over during movie nights -- and warm, sturdy hands were tucking it securely around him. Myungjun felt a rush of warmth, one that came with both the presence of the blanket and the presence of the hands that his stomach recognized as Jinwoo’s.

Safe, that was a better way to describe how he felt. The memory of the horrible disease manifesting in his body lingered at the back of his mind, but knowing that his members were there with him, caring for him -- he felt a little bit okay.

For too long he had been up -- worrying, fretting, coughing, crying -- and now it was finally okay. He could fall asleep now. He wasn’t alone.

He fell asleep before the other members even realized, lulled into peaceful dreams with thoughts of warmth and love.

☆☆☆

Inevitably, his body reached a point where its desire for sleep and rest was outweighed by the exponentially growing pain of Hanahaki. He was pulled from the bliss of sleep by a pinching pain on his stomach, and let out a groan as he opened his eyes.

He quickly closed them again, being met with the harsh light of day. Opening them more slowly once again, Myungjun noticed the distinct lack of noise in the dorm. Everyone must have left…

“Oh! Hyung, you’re awake,” Myungjun jolted at the voice of Dongmin coming from his left. Groaning slightly and pushing himself up, he got a good look at the younger boy. Dongmin’s face was fresh, and he was dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. Obviously he had not gone to today’s practice; he probably had been with Myungjun the whole time he had been asleep. “You’ve been asleep for six hours, hyung. It’s noon, now, and the others have been at practice for a few hours already,” Dongmin explained upon seeing Myungjun’s eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Why aren’t you at practice with them, Dongmin-ah?”

“Someone had to stay to look after you. All of the staff were too busying preparing for the comeback, and most of us have the routine down by now. Jinwoo-hyung had wanted to stay with you, but if he didn’t go to practice and look after the dongsaengs, he would have had an even bigger mess on his hands…” Dongmin smiled softly at Myungjun, and got up from the loveseat he was sitting on. “Let me get you some food and water, hyung. You must be parched.”

Upon Dongmin leaving the room, Myungjun finally let out the shaky sigh he had been holding in. His stomach pain had returned with vengeance, and he didn’t know how much longer he could pretend to be fine.

It was then that he recalled the promise he had made himself, the clear thought that rang out amongst the many delirious ones. The promise that he wouldn’t pretend -- that, at least to one person, he would tell the truth.

It had seemed so much more obvious when he was throwing up, when his throat was bleeding with the force of his sickness. Now, with the sun bright in his eyes and Dongmin clattering around in the kitchen, Myungjun wanted to bury under the blanket and hide himself from his problems.

Who would he even tell? Not Jinwoo, of course. Myungjun would die of embarrassment before he could even get the words out. Minhyuk and Sanha were too young -- he didn’t want to burden them with such a responsibility. Moonbin was young too, wasn’t he? He didn’t act it, as much, but Moonbin was the one always smiling and exuding positivity. Myungjun didn’t think he wanted to detract from his pure innocence.

Dongmin… Well, Myungjun had to admit, if he _did_ tell someone, Dongmin really seemed like a good choice. He was mature, and always offered an open ear to members who needed someone to talk to. Dongmin was also the member most likely to not expose your secrets to everyone else -- his tendency to be introverted ensured that. And Myungjun might not exactly know how any of the members would feel about him being gay, but he knew Dongmin well enough to know that he’d be more upset at the fact that Myungjun had kept such a large part of himself a secret.

Speaking of the devil, Dongmin reappeared in the living room, carrying a tray of steaming noodles with a large glass of water.

“Sorry it took so long, hyung. Make sure to eat it well,” Dongmin’s smiling face settled the unsurety that had been assaulting Myungjun’s mind. If things went terribly wrong, Myungjun knew that Dongmin would never hold any of it against Myungjun. He was nothing if not civil -- sure, he was the member who lost his temper the most easily, but his short term reactivity was balanced out by the way that he was the most rational over time.

“Thanks so much, Dongminnie,” Myungjun said after slurping up the first bit of noodles. The warmth settled the stinging pain of his throat.

“No problem, hyung. We just want you to get better as soon as you can. If you need anything, please tell me,” Dongmin said as he settled back into the loveseat, picking up the remote in order to resume watching the drama he had recorded.

Before Dongmin could continue, Myungjun spoke. “Actually Dongmin, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Myungjun was glad to have just spoken the words; now, he couldn’t back out, couldn’t wallow in his insecurity, sadness, and shame the way many victims of Hanahaki were reported to do. Dongmin would push him to tell the truth, since it was rare that Myungjun went to confide in anyone in the first place.

”Of course, hyung,” Dongmin said, moving over to sit next to Myungjun as the older fully sat up and patted at the area next to him on the couch. Slurping up more noodles -- Myungjun was glad he had a reason not to look Dongmin directly in the eyes -- Myungjun began.

“Dongmin-ah, they really should be giving acting roles to me instead of you!” Myungjun tried to joke, and at Dongmin looked at Myungjun quizzically. “Hyung’s been sick for days, but no one even noticed. If only I was a face genius like you, Dongminnie, I’d be getting all the roles!” Myungjun couldn’t stop his word vomit. “Hyung’s a good actor, aren’t you proud? Maybe by next year, you’ll be watching Myungjun on that screen -- that sounds about right! Kim Myungjun, the next Song Joongki!” Myungjun shot a quick smile over at Dongmin, but went back to loudly slurping his noodles upon seeing the somber smile on Dongmin’s face.

“Days, hyung? Why didn’t you mention anything? Has it been this bad -- do you even know what it _is?_ It can’t just be a virus if it’s lasted so long…” Dongmin bit his lip and furrowed his brows, sincerity oozing from his voice that made Myungjun shuffle in his seat a bit uncomfortably. He was used to joking around with Dongmin, but the younger wasn’t even reacting to his attempts now.

“Hyung has a strong immune system, no need to worry!” Myungjun paused, figuring he just had to go for it. “That’s why.. Well, that’s why it doesn’t even have anything to do with my immune system!” Myungjun had started off his sentence with confidence, but he quickly realized that his nerves were frying any ability he might have at trying to lighten the situation.

“Nothing to do with… Hyung, you’re not making any sense.”

”Well, it’s pretty funny, when you actually think about it,” not funny at all, but Myungjun had no idea what else to call it. “I didn’t even realize till last night what it was -- I thought it was a stomach virus too, Dongmin, but then last night -- well. Last night, I actually coughed up a flower, and--” Before Myungjun could find a way to lighten the realization, Dongmin interrupted.

“Hanahaki? Myungjun-hyung, please, tell me it isn’t true…” Dongmin pleaded, placing a warm hand on Myungjun’s knee and directing the older’s gaze to his.

As if the world wanted to laugh at Myungjun, or perhaps just spite him, it was in that exact moment that the itching in his throat reached a fever pitch. He couldn’t even answer Dongmin properly -- the only answer he could provide was a few hacking coughs, and then two violet petals floating slowly into the gap between their bodies.

Dongmin could only stare at Myungjun with tearful eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will probably be 4 or 5 chapters total...
> 
> thank you so much to everyone who left kudos and commented! it's you guys that inspire me to keep writing (:


	3. it's happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> myungjun and dongmin have a chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be five chapters, then i wasn’t able to get half of what i meant to fit into chapter three into this chapter, so it’s going to be six now!
> 
> i have what will happen planned out, but it became a bit of a struggle to get this chapter out. I’M SO SORRY. but ASTRO’s impending comeback has revitalized me! thanks for being so patient, and i’m sorry that you had to wait so long. i really struggled with having Dongmin react to Myungjun’s news, and the outcome is probably lackluster, but i hope you enjoy!
> 
> also i reread chapter two and i realized i was missing a paragraph in the middle of it so it kind of didn’t make sense (right when Dongmin entered the bathroom); it was a formatting error but i fixed it so there’s an extra paragraph now!
> 
> i realized this fic seems really heavy on the myungjun/dongmin friendship right now, but i promise we'll soon see a return of the romance and of myungjun interacting with the other members.
> 
> i was kind of sick of this chapter by the time i finished writing it, so i haven’t edited it. all mistakes are mine (:
> 
> enjoy~

Myungjun could hardly take the stifling silence, Dongmin’s eyes trained on Myungjun as the latter furiously avoided his heated gaze. He could still tell that Dongmin was grasping at the situation -- shining eyes shifting from the petals on the couch to Myungjun’s own body, which had curled in on itself as the conversation progressed.

”Dongmin-ah… I-- please don’t worry too much… I only started coughing up flowers last night.” Myungjun forced his body to face his dongsaeng, still having a hard time meeting him in the eye.

”Hyung, you can’t just tell me not to worry. How would you feel if one of us was going through this? If one day Minhyuk collapsed during dance practice and couldn’t stop throwing up, or Sanha started coughing up flowers? How would you feel if they told you everything was fine, not to worry?” Dongmin’s words struck Myungjun purposefully, deliberately invoking the names of the members he knew Myungjun felt protective over. Myungjun paused, struck by the image of Sanha leaning over a toilet, his long arms shaking with the effort of holding himself up over the bowl, hair ruffled from exhaustion and lips tinged red with blood.

Myungjun felt his stomach drop at the thought, a sick feeling overtaking his body that he knew was not due to the disease but to the horror he would feel if such a scenario ever occurred... He screwed his face up, eyes closed in the hope of getting rid of that horrid image.

”Myungjun,” Dongmin continued, likely sensing that his words had struck his elder, “this is really serious. I mean-- you’ve seen the stories? What happened to Kangta-ssi, Heechul-ssi, Wendy-ssi… Xiumin-ssi even died--” As Dongmin spoke, Myungjun lowered his head, his heart pounding as his mind recalled the stories that had seemed so distant in the news, stories that had fans crying in sympathy and fellow idols expressing their regrets, but stories that nonetheless felt unrelatable and detached. Something you read about, lamented, but could not relate to -- not until now, at least.

”Dongmin!” Myungjun pleaded, having heard enough. “I know. I _know,_ ok? Do you know how hard it was for me to -- for me to even tell you about this? I don’t even know if I would have, but I started coughing up blood last night, and I was _scared._ I wanted to chicken out so badly, laugh it off and insist that hyung’s huge appetite just caused him to get food poisoning or something…” Myungjun paused for a bit, taking in a shaky breath. He could feel the wetness behind his eyes, not forming droplets yet still looming on the horizon, and he so desperately did _not_ want to cry in front of Dongmin. “What I mean to say is -- you don’t have to tell me about how bad this is. I know that. As much as I don’t want to admit that I do. That’s why I’m talking to you right now, Dongminnie… I -- I just. I just need your help.”

Myungjun finally let his eyes meet Dongmin’s, and was surprised that the younger’s eyes were shining with tears similar to his own, unshed but still wetting the whites of his eyes. Dongmin carefully moved his hands from his lap to Myungjun’s shoulders, giving them a quick squeeze before he wrapped his arms around Myungjun, engulfing him in warmth and pulling him forward until he was flush against Dongmin’s body. One of his arms moved up and down Myungjun’s back, the other bringing Myungjun’s head down to meet the crook of Dongmin’s neck and then moving to card his hand through the older’s hair.

Myungjun liked this. Affection, skinship -- maybe not all the time, but at moments like this a hug made his hands tremble just a little bit less, his heart recognizing the comforting heat of a friend. Feeling Dongmin beside him, a sturdy presence -- a physical reassurance that he wasn’t going to be left alone. He felt his eyes fill to the brim with tears, a mixture of the overwhelming emotions of everything that has happened and what will soon come to pass. He took a deep, shaking breath, trying to force the tears back in.”

”Hyung,” Dongmin started softly, as if afraid his words might shatter the moment. “It’s okay, you can cry.”

It was almost as if he had needed that -- the permission, the affirmation that it was okay. Myungjun rarely cried -- and if he did, it was never in front of the younger members, and he made an effort not to do it in front of Jinwoo or Dongmin. It made him feel weak, even if he never once judged his fellow members for crying. But this, now -- crying into Dongmin’s shoulder felt different from the helpless tears his sickness had ripped from him throughout the night.

Wiping his eyes after a minute, the tears slowing down, he still kept his head buried into Dongmin’s shoulder, taking deep breaths. Myungjun couldn’t imagine how bad of a state he would be in _after_ he confessed everything to Dongmin, if this was how he was now. There was still the whole issue of telling Dongmin that he was not only gay, but that he liked Jinwoo. Dongmin would be a saint if he took both things in stride.

”Hyung, take your time,” Dongmin began, and Myungjun knew the younger was referring to Myungjun opening up to him about everything that was going on. “I’m with you all day, I’m here to help you. Take however much time you need, I’ll listen whenever.”

”Dongmin,” Myungjun muttered into the younger’s shoulder, wanting to talk before he lost the courage. “Dongmin, please don’t -- just. Dongmin,” Myungjun tried again, “I -- I’m gay.” Dongmin’s hand had paused on his back, the younger boy completely still for a few moments before pulling back slightly. He kept Myungjun within his body heat, but his hands moved to grasp Myungjun’s shoulders, and he pulled his body back enough so that he could look Myungjun in the eye.

”Huh?” Myungjun supposed he could have been met with worse answers. Honestly, Dongmin simply looked confused, as if he was questioning if he heard correctly. There was no immediate disgust or repulsion, but then again, Myungjun hadn’t expected Dongmin to react in that way in the first place. Myungjun could already feel his panicking heart start to slow down, although his stomach was still roiling with nauseousness, and he didn’t think it was due to the Hanahaki.

”I-- you were bound to ask eventually, who the girl I was in love with was. Well, I-- it’s not a girl,” Myungjun explained, proud that his voice wasn’t shaking. When he had told his parents -- had that really been three years ago? -- his voice and hands had been quivering, stomach almost as bad as it was last night.

He remembered the day vividly, because he didn’t get to visit home often due to pursuit of being an idol. His mom had cooked his favorite meal, the aroma of meat welcoming him as soon as he had walked in the house. He hadn’t had the heart to tell her that he was so nervous, he couldn’t possibly eat. His dad had bought a DVD of a movie both of them had wanted to see months ago, but couldn’t cause Myungjun was busy with training. Myungjun had cringed at the thought of not even making it past dinner, never even making it to a movie if his parents didn’t react well.

He had told them as they began to eat, his parents not even noticing the serious nature of the conversation until Myungjun’s voice started to shake. They had silent, faces blank, as Myungjun spoke.

They hadn’t been thrilled. But they also hadn’t immediately wanted to kick him out, because he was still their son. His mother had seemed awkward, perhaps remembering all the times she had tried to set him up with nice neighborhood girls when he was younger; his father had been disappointed more than anything, but his dad was also never the type to get too angry or irrational, and Myungjun found himself sitting on his parent’s couch watching Commitment later that night. When they had hugged one another goodbye that night, the embraces had been slightly stiff and distant, but over the years, the hugs had returned to being warm and comfortable. His parents didn’t talk about it often, but neither did they simply ignore it and act like it wasn’t a part of Myungjun.

They might not have loved it, but his parents had grown to be okay with him being gay. The last time they had talked about it, his mom and dad had been expressing their worry about him being such a public presence, telling him to be careful. They hadn’t wanted their son to get hurt by any malicious rumors that might arise, and their worry had warmed Myungjun’s heart.

He could still remember the words he had told them over that dinner, and amid the silence that was engulfing him and Dongmin, Myungjun immediately launched into a similar dialogue, feeling uncomfortable with Dongmin’s lack of response.

”I never liked girls, not really,” Myungjun began, shifting his eyes so that he wasn’t looking at Dongmin. The younger’s hands had left Myungjun’s shoulders at this point. “It just took me a long time to realize that the reason I didn’t was because I liked, well… I liked guys. I always found myself thinking that other guys were really handsome or beautiful, and I would always get nervous around guys that I thought were really cute.” Myungjun risked a glance up, and was glad to see the shocked look gone from Dongmin’s face; instead, a patient look had settled, his eyes looking upon Myungjun with tenderness.

”Thank you for telling me hyung.” Dongmin gently said, and Myungjun’s felt inexplicable happiness fill himself at the fact that Dongmin wasn’t acting weird, wasn’t yelling or making a big fuss -- he was just listening. “I know how big of a deal this probably was for you. You don’t have to worry hyung, I don’t have any problems with you being gay,” Dongmin smiled, and Myungjun knew his instincts were right. Not only was Dongmin a truly kind and accepting person, but as a whole, the younger generation of Korea was moving toward the sentiment of accepting homosexual relationships. 

”Dongminnie,” Myungjun began, and he wanted to say thanks, but he just felt his throat close up. Instead, he gave Dongmin a watery smile, surging forward and engulfing the younger in a quick hug before leaning back again. “I’m sorry for not saying anything earlier,” the older said, knowing that as a group, ASTRO generally felt that they shared most of their secrets with one another.

Dongmin simply shook his head. “It would be rude on any of our parts to act angry that you didn’t tell us. Sure, I firmly believe that none of us would think of you any differently for -- for liking guys, and it would be easy to be upset that you hid such a large part of yourself for so long. But ultimately, we have no idea what it’s like for you. I’m sure it’s really scary hiding that part of yourself, and all I want to do is tell you that you have my support.” Myungjun couldn’t help but smile -- Dongmin truly had a way with words.

”I knew there was a reason you were my favorite dongsaeng!” Myungjun joked, smiling until a pang in his stomach reminded him that he didn’t really have time to revel in how blessed he was to have such great teammates. He could do that later, when flowers weren’t killing him from the inside. “Listen, Dongmin. I’m really -- I really appreciate how understanding you are. I can’t really express how much it means to me. You’re the only person who knows other than my parents,” Myungjun began. 

”Of course, hyung. It’s a little weird, but just because it’s a lot to digest. Not that it’ll change the way I think of you in any way,” Dongmin assured, and Myungjun thought that Dongmin was acting calm now but would probably take the time to sit back and fully come to terms with everything later, when Myungjun didn’t need him so desperately.

”Gosh, I feel like I just ran a marathon,” Myungjun chuckled, and Dongmin’s eyes turned into smiles. “And that wasn’t even everything…” the older muttered. Dongmin’s face turned into one of understanding.

”Hyung, there’s a guy you’re in love with?” Seeing Myungjun nod slowly in response, Dongmin’s eyebrows immediately furrowed. Myungjun could just tell that Dongmin was already realizing the extent of the situation, and how impossible it would be for there to be any way for it to end well.

”Dongmin, I don’t know if I can even say…” Myungjun murmured, his finger playing with the hem of his shirt. Sure, Dongmin could take the fact that he was gay in stride, but… in love with one of the members was a whole different issue. It would complicate and strain relationships if Jinwoo found out and didn’t react well. Not that Myungjun expected that Jinwoo would ever hate him, but it would definitely make things uncomfortable.

”Myungjun hyung, it’s someone in the group, isn’t it? Is that why you’re so worried, why you haven’t said anything to any of us?” Dongmin tried to look Myungjun in the eyes, but the older just avoided his sincere gaze. Besides, the other could probably already tell by his lack of response that he was right. It didn’t mean Myungjun needed to confirm it, or ever even say that he was in love with--

”Hyung, is it Jinwoo? Are you in love with Jinwoo hyung?”

Myungjun’s heart stopped.

He should have said something. Should have denied that it was someone in the group, shouldn’t have made it so easy for Dongmin to guess.

Maybe he didn’t even have to give Dongmin that much. Maybe Dongmin already had an inkling. Myungjun wouldn’t be surprised, with the way that he was always stealing glances at Jinwoo, blushing at Jinwoo’s words, smiling fondly when Jinwoo spoke. Dongmin was observant like that.

It seemed a little bit like Dongmin wasn’t surprised, but Myungjun couldn’t bare to look up. He couldn’t even manage to get any words out of his mouth, his throat parched and itching. He thought he might cough up a bunch of petals if he even tried opening his mouth right now.

But Dongmin deserves an answer, for dealing with Myungjun and all his problem right now. So slowly, minutely, the older boy nods, and he knows Dongmin saw because the other boy lets out a sigh.

”I think I kind of had a feeling hyung. Not anything concrete, but you act different around Jinwoo. I mean, you’re affectionate and playful with all of us, but with Jinwoo, it was always more.” Myungjun doesn’t even feel too surprised by Dongmin’s words; it was just as he expected, the younger was too observant.

”So,” Myungjun began, coughing a bit but no petal coming up, “you thought maybe? That I -- I was gay?” The thought it a bit intimidating. If Dongmin could notice this, what about the others? What about the managers, the staff, the company, the fans?

Dongmin hums contemplatively. “I don’t know, I guess it occurred to me, but I was never too sure. It was just a feeling, and no one else really seemed to notice anything. Everyone just thinks you guys are really close friends, hyung, but I always thought that best friends act like Sanha and Minhyuk do, not like you and Jinwoo.”

”Dongmin, I’m so sorry,” Myungjun finally forced the words. “The absolute worst thing I could have done was fall in love with one of the members. I’m just going to ruin everything. There’s no way that this can end well,” Myungjun looked up, and he no longer felt tears brimming on the edge of his eyes. He just felt tired, exhausted, his bones aching for sleep and a rest from the restrictions that being an idol brought.

Before Dongmin could reply -- whether it would have been a realistic agreement or an attempt to soothe him, Myungjun would never know -- the older felt something pushing up his throat, and immediately started hacking. Turning his head so he was coughing in the inside of his elbow, and not right onto Dongmin’s face, Myungjun felt his stomach start to spasm.

He could already tell this was going to be a bad one. The more he hacked and tried to force the object out, the more his throat became filled with a large blockage, restricting his access to air. He could feel Dongmin’s hand on his back, concerned and hovering, but all he could focus on in the moment was not suffocating around the flower.

A particularly strong cough finally forced the object out, and once again Myungjun was faced with a whole violet, minus the stem. The purple petals were covered slightly with blood; not as bad as last night, but still glaringly scarlet and immediately Myungjun could feel his stomach drop.

”Holy crap…” Dongmin muttered from behind him, both of them staring at the violet. “Hyung, that looks really bad. There’s blood.” Myungjun wants to tell Dongmin that he’s stating the obvious, but he always thinks that maybe Dongmin is having a harder time dealing with all this news than he’s letting on.

”There was blood last night,” Myungjun whispers. “I’m scared. I don’t want anything to happen to my throat or my vocal chords,” the elder confessed, and finally turned back around to look at Dongmin. “I’m scared,” Myungjun repeated, and told himself that he had earned the right to be a little pathetic. 

”It’s okay, hyung. It’s okay to be scared,” and Myungjun thinks that Dongmin is trying to reassure both Myungjun and himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone that's reading! it really warms my heart and makes me smile.
> 
> and ofc thanks so those who left kudos and commented, it's you that pushed me to sit down and finally get this chapter out. 
> 
> this story is very close to my heart and although i may struggle with updating, it is 100% getting finished. 
> 
> writing the coming out scene took so long and basically was what stalled the whole chapter. I was happy to be done with it until i realized he’s going to have to come out to the rest of ASTRO and i’m going to have to go through this all again...
> 
> things will pick up in the next chapter...
> 
> please anticipate it!


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